I Gave it My All

When you try so hard at something for so long, there is a measure of yourself tied up in the effort.  The news of defeat feels like a part of you withers away.  You know you did everything you could, but when it is all said and done, you know your efforts were not in vain and that the Lord teaches us through our trials and our work.  I just got the phone call from the Renal clinic about Molly’s progress.  First, I must share that I had her on a raw vegan diet for 30 days, with no cheating.  We took her off of dairy, meat, and gluten.  Her blood sugars came down, she was coming down on some of the insulin dosages.  The nights have been long and hard.  It is so unpredictable, so frustrating to us.  Something we just can not understand.  Some nights our poor daughter is upwards of 300s in blood sugar and we get up and medicate her.  Sometimes she is in the 50s and it is hard to wake her up.  It is so constant.  She seemed like she was getting better but the test shows that her kidneys are still going downhill.  I can not even express the grief I feel.  I read all these books and watch videos that say this will cure my daughter.  I want a cure so bad.  But I know she is not mine to start with.  She belongs to our merciful Father in Heaven.  He knows her body, He is in control.  Today we have to start another type of medication to protect the kidneys from failing.  You do not know how hard it is when you know do not have a choice.  I used to be be so proud when I was a young mother, to say, “I never take my kids to the doctors.  I do not believe in shots or medications.”  But when you are forced into going against all you believe, it is so hard.  Shots and doctors are a big part of our world.  You know how much I wish the Lord would heal her, I know He can if it is His will.  Until then I have to be dependent on the medical establishment and pharmaceutical companies in order for my daughter to live.  Most of the people I know, the small circle of homestead, homeschooling folk, have not had to bear a burden that forces them to turn to the medical establishment for life.  It’s okay, I do not find fault with others that can make their way naturally all the way.  I still believe in eating a diet full of nutrient rich foods.  I think herbal remedies are great, they work for me, helping me keep well to be there for my children.  There are so many things I believe I have learned through this.  I learned that God is in control, that He is showing me through this trial, that I need to realize I am not.  I work so hard to take control, doing this or that to fix problems, but I can see clearly that my greatest effort is nothing to what God is capable of doing.  For what ever reason, He chose not to heal our daughter at this moment and we have to trust that taking this medication will help keep her kidneys from failing.  I did give is my all.  I will continue to give it my all, medication, good diet, and teaching life skills to her and the rest of my children.  We never know what the future holds, sometimes the path is dark and we are scared and tired.  As long as we have one hand on the cloak of our savior, we can stay on the path that leads to life.  We need to keep looking to Him, looking toward His peace, truth, and love.  I wish He could just write me a letter and tell me what I should do, but God is not into writing letters.  He is faithful to lead us in the most quiet moments.  Life is uncertain, so as we keep moving along, we should learn to trust in the only one who is CERTAIN, finding comfort in not knowing.